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04/16/2017 |
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BRIDGE HUMOR Alan Truscott Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a substantial number of antisocial people. Alfred Sheinwold Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners. Alfred Sheinwold A player who can't defend accurately should try to be declarer. Alfred Sheinwold Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself. Alfred Sheinwold One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice at playing in atrocious contracts. Oswold Jacoby I favor light opening bids. When you're my age, you can never be sure that the bidding will get back around to you again. Oswald Jacoby at 77. David Bruce was on lead against a grand slam in a suit contract holding two aces and he knew the dummy had to be void in one of those suits. The dummy was Ozzie Jacoby, who always left the table the moment a card was led. David Bruce decided to lead his gum wrapper. When Jacoby saw something hit the table he put this dummy down and David Bruce saw which ace would cash. Paul Soloway If 3NT is a viable option, then bid it. Alan Sontag It is not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning player. There aren't enough of them. It is the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones. Helen Sobel was asked how it feels to be playing with an expert (She always played with Charles Goren) said: "Ask Charlie". John R Crawford He achieved considerable notoriety as a shrewd card player. According to legend, he was once in a hopeless four-spade contract. About midway through the play this exchange takes place:
John Crawford playing with a beginner for huge stakes. Partner leads the Spade King and Crawford has the 1098. He doesn't want partner to continue, but knows if he plays the 8 he will. So Crawford drops the Spade 8 on the floor and is slow about picking it up. His partner asks what card is it? "Oh, just a low spade" says Crawford. Partner shifts suits. We play forcing hesitations.
A "weak response" is a pass after a forcing bid. Every day you play worse and worse but today you are playing like it's tomorrow. Q: How should I have played that hand? Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster. Any bid that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. A piece of bread is covered with jelly on one side. The probability of it falling jelly side up varies inversely with the price of the rug. The probability of making a difficult contract varies inversely with the number of tricks you must take. In bridge, one gets use to abuse. It's waiting for it that is so trying.
A physician told an elderly couple they were in great shape and then asked what they were doing to exercise their minds as well as their bodies. They replied they had learned to play duplicate bridge and play five afternoons a week. As to exercise, "We play East - West". A bridge teacher explaining duplicate bridge protocol tells a lady to make her opening lead face down. The lady promptly puts her head on the table and leads a card face up. Patrick Jourdain, a famous bridge player-teacher from Wales is called over to a table at one of his classes where a hand has just passed out, but 4th hand had 17 high card points. "So why did you pass?" asks Patrick. "Because you told us after three passes the bidding is over, so I had to pass." Patrick is called over to a table in a beginners class and a lady tells him that she has opened 1H and there have been three passes back to her so she bid 2H. There were three more passes back to her, and she wants to know if her hand is worth bidding 3H. A woman led a card and her partner said ALERT. I asked what the alert was for. She said: my partner is leading a singleton as she led it with her left hand. I replied that was illegal. She said: but it is on our convention card!
.Here is a sure fire way to find the Q from AJ9 of spades (on the board) and K108 in your hand. Lead the J from the board and hope it is covered. If it is not, play a heart from your hand. If your left hand opponent plays the Q, say oops, pick up the heart, and play the K. If your left hand opponent does not play the Q, say oops, pick up the heart, and play the 8.
The champion in a local bridge club died. His effects were auctioned off. A young player had noticed the champion occasionally referred to a little red book. The youngster bought it. He went home, built a fire, made a martini, sat down by the fire, and started to read the book. Yet, page after page was blank. In the middle of the book he found the only entry: "Consider Passing!" A Doubleton is 4,000 pounds. Yes, a Singleton is 2000 pounds. Amnesia Double: When you make a lead directing double when you are going to be the one on lead. Why did you not understand my lead partner? Everyone knows that a singleton is the top of nothing! Partners are extremely important. Who else to blame when you lose? Joe: I hate my Partner Joe: Notice any improvement since last year? Joe: Bridge is about making mistakes and learning from them. Q:
What's the difference between a partner and a terrorist?
If I did everything right, I would not be playing with you.
Declarer to Partner: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy. Sex is similar to bridge: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
A woman was the Declarer in 3NT and had 5 clubs in her hand and 5 on the Board. She got a club lead and won the trick on the Board and discarded from her hand. She played all the clubs from the Board and kept discarding from her hand. She then played a diamond from the Board to the ace in her hand and then started playing clubs from her hand. Her left hand opponent said: Here they come again! A bridge expert died and went to Heaven. St Peter met her and started to show the woman around. She said: this is lovely but where do they play bridge? St Peter replied: in the other place but I can only provide one round trip ticket during eternity. The woman decided she wanted it immediately. Upon arriving in Hell, Satan greeted her. She said she wanted to go into the room where they were playing bridge. Satan said: It is $3, you have to give the Devil his due! Not having $3 she went away but returned 10 minutes later with $3. When Satan asked where she got $3, she said: I sold my return ticket! A married couple are not speaking to each other after a horrible game and are driving home from a distant bridge tournament. They pass by a field where there are many donkeys. The husband breaks the silence by asking the wife: "Relatives of yours"? "Yes" she says, "In-laws". A young couple met at the Partnership Desk and played in a two session event and won. They went up to his hotel room to have a drink and to celebrate. After a few drinks followed by some kissing, the gal unzipped the guy's fly. He said: alert! She said: what is the alert? His reply: Could be short! A guy plays bridge with a gal regularly, but not much is happening romantically. Finally, she puts him in this God-awful slam and says: "If you make this contract, I'll sleep with you. "He tries his hardest, but trumps didn't break and a couple of finesses don't work and he winds up going down three! She says: That's close enough!
Joe: “We had a good result today because I did not bid on hand three.” Sam: “You should do that more often.” George asked his wife what she wanted for their wedding anniversary. She said "Give me something with a lot of diamonds.'' So George bought her two decks of cards. Four guys are playing bridge at the golf club and there is one kibitzer. Phone rings and one of the fellows has to leave. They beg the kibitzer to play a few hands, unaware he has never played and only knows what he has seen these last few hours. They say it's o.k. The kibitzer sits in and deals. They all look at him. He bids 4C. Very strange opening bid even for a beginner. Second hand doubles and it comes back to the kibitzer who bids 4D. They are beginning to have second thoughts about this guy. Second hand doubles again and when the bidding comes back to the kibitzer he bids 4H. Second hand doubles again. When it comes back to the kibitzer, this time he says: "And a singleton spade!" A man went to see the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor asked: why do you have such terrible bruises on your shins. The man replied: I just took up duplicate bridge!
There is a web site where you can get information from the computer at
your IQ level. I entered 180 and the computer spewed out data on black
holes, quarks, etc. I then entered 98 and received stats on world
series, batting averages, etc. I then entered 25. The computer
said: one heart, double, redouble.
Why Do Women Love Bridge Champions? Bridge is like marriage. In the beginning you need two hearts and a diamond. As the years go by, all you need is a club and a spade. A bridge player accidentally got a girl pregnant. When he visited her and saw her condition, he offered to marry her. She said she will consult her family and get back to him. When he showed up the next day she said “Well after some discussion, we decided it was better to have a bastard than a bridge player in the family” .
Sue: Do you play MUD?
The champion of a local bridge club died. His property was auctioned off. A young player had noted that occasionally the old expert took a small red book out of his pocket and referred to it between bridge hands. The young man bought the book for $25, went home, built a fire , made a martini, sat down by the fire and started reading the book. Page after page was blank. In the middle of the book were two words: consider passing! A lady called the Director and said a card was missing from her bidding box. She had a red card that said DBL on it but the red card that had XXX on it was missing. The Director said they both mean double. The lady said no, I use DBL for Take Out Double and XXX for Penalty Double .
A man was playing bridge with his father, who had not played bridge in years. On the first hand the father was the dealer and said: Pass. His son said: Dad, you have to use the bidding box. His father picked up the box and whispered into the box: Pass.
13 The next number in the sequence 345 is 1. The next number in the sequence 543 is 1. The next number in the sequence 222 is 7. The next number in the sequence 123 is 7. The next number in the sequence 333 is 4. These are all bridge hand distributions of one bridge hand. The sum of the four numbers must equal 13. 26 The next number in the sequence 567 is 8. The next number in the sequence 997 is 1. The next number in the sequence 887 is 3. These are all bridge hand distributions of two bridge hands. The sum of the four numbers must equal 26. POETRY Giving up Bridge I'm giving up bridge - tonight's my last night,
It's Amen to Stayman, I give up the fight. My cards are all rotten and I have forgotten Who's played and what's trumps And what's gone on my right! So for now it's all over - I'm off to the backwoods
I'm bidding goodbye to Gerbers and Blackwoods. My points are not high, and I'm wondering why
She kept bidding right up to the sky! We're winning all tricks, the defenders feel sick
And I have to admit my partner's a brick. So I leave with few words, but some that are true,
Bridge is a game, not for me, but for you. PLAYING CARD TRIVIA
In English-speaking countries, the ace of spades (also known as the spadille) is traditionally seen as the highest card in the deck. It is also known as the "death card." The ornate design of the ace of spades, common in packs today, stems from the 17th century, when James I and later Queen Anne imposed laws requiring the Ace of Spades to bear an insignia of the printing house. Stamp duty, an idea imported to England by Charles I, was extended to playing cards in 1711 by Queen Anne and lasted until 1960. Over the years a number of methods were used to show that duty had been paid. From 1712 onwards, one of the cards in the pack, usually the ace of spades, was marked with a hand stamp. In 1765 hand stamping was replaced by the printing of official ace of spades by the Stamp Office, incorporating the royal coat of arms. In 1828 the Duty Ace of Spades (known as "Old Frizzle") was printed to indicate a reduced duty of a shilling had been paid. The system was changed again in 1862 when official threepenny duty wrappers were introduced and although the makers were free to use whatever design they wanted, most chose to keep the ornate ace of spades that is popular today. The ace of spades is thus used to show the card manufacturer's information. The exact design of the ace card was so important, it eventually became the subject of design patents and trademarking. For example, on December 5, 1882, George G. White was granted US design patent US0D0013473 for his 'Ace of Spades' playing card design. His ace design was adorned with male and female figures leaning onto the spade from either side. The ace of spades has been employed, on numerous occasions, in the theater of war. In the Second World War, the soldiers of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment of the American 101st Airborne Division were marked with the spades symbol painted on the sides of their helmets. In this capacity, it was used to represent good luck, due to its fortunate connotations in card playing. All four card suits were used for ease of identification of regiments within the airborne division following the confusion of a large scale combat airborne operation. Battalions within the regiments were denoted with tic marks or dots, marked from top clockwise; Headquarters at the twelve o'clock position, 1st Battalion at the three o'clock, etc. The ace of spades was used by American soldiers as a psychological weapon in the Vietnam War. US troops believed that Vietnamese traditions held the symbolism of the spade to mean death and ill-fortune and in a bid to scare away Viet Cong soldiers without a firefight, it was common practice to leave an ace of spades on the bodies of killed Vietnamese and even to litter the forested grounds and fields with the card. This custom was believed to be so effective, that the United States Playing Card Company was asked by Charlie Company, 2nd Battalion, 34th Armor Regiment to supply crates of that single card in bulk. The crates were often marked with "Bicycle Secret Weapon." (The Bicycle was the style of card reverse pattern). The ace of spades, while not a symbol of superstitious fear to the Viet Cong forces, did help the morale of American soldiers. It was not unheard of for US soldiers and Marines to stick this card in their helmet band as a sort of anti-peace sign. More recently, in 2003 a deck of most-wanted Iraqi playing cards issued to US soldiers during Operation Iraqi Freedom, each card had the picture of a wanted Iraqi official on it. Saddam Hussein got the nickname "Ace of Spades" as that card bore his image. Idioms involving the ace of spades include "black as the ace of spades" and the French expression « fagoté comme l'as de pique » – that is, "(badly) dressed like the ace of spades. Aces are bullets and Kings are cowboys. Face Cards represent historical people.. One-eyed Royals - The Jack of Spades and Jack of Hearts (often called the "one-eyed jacks") and the King of Diamonds are drawn in profile; therefore, these cards are commonly referred to as "one-eyed". The rest of the courts are shown in full or oblique face and show two eyes.
# (a knight of Charlemagne and legendary hero of the chansons de geste) Suicide kings - The King of Hearts is typically shown with a sword behind his head, making him appear to be stabbing himself. Similarly, the one-eyed King of Diamonds is typically shown with an axe behind his head with the blade facing toward him. These depictions, and their blood-red color, inspired the nickname "suicide kings". The King of Hearts is the only King with no mustache. The King of Diamonds is traditionally armed with an axe while the other three kings are armed with swords; thus, the King of Diamonds is sometimes referred to as "the man with the axe". The Queen of Spades usually holds a scepter and is sometimes known as "the bedpost queen", though more often she is called "Black Lady". In many decks, the Queen of Clubs holds a flower. She is thus known as the "Flower Queen", though this design element is among the most variable; the standard Bicycle Poker deck depicts all Queens with a flower styled according to their suit. The Jack of Diamonds is sometimes known as "laughing boy".
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This site was last updated 04/16/17
